Once we settled down with the coffee mugs, Nikhil happily took charge of the baby, giving us enough space to empty our hearts. Seeing me looking at her imploringly, she smirked and casually remarked, “I am loosing my sanity. It’s like I am dealing with a hurricane of very conflicting emotions! And very soon I might end up in an asylum, and suck Nikhil into it too.”

“What?” I freaked out.

Is it something at work?

Or is it Nikhil?

Is it motherhood? Was Brishti your choice or a family enforced decision? You are not even 30! You could have surely waited!

Don’t you have any support?….. etc. etc.

Shreya patiently looked on while I blurted out my worst fears.

When I stopped for breath, she handed the mug back to me.

“Tina, the homecoming of this tiny life has changed everything in our life! Our priorities, our lifestyle, our schedule, our financial planning… everything that you can think off has changed. I really can’t say if it’s for the good or bad. But one thing that I do know is, it’s a choice we willingly exercised. And we are loving every bit of it.

But sometimes, these changes do get onto us! We squabble for reasons unknown!  Blame it on the hormones if you wish, but since pregnancy, my emotions have been all over.  And even though I have so much to do now, with the baby and everything else, still nothing seems to satiate me.”

Her words, or the fresh aroma from the coffee mugs, or the wind blowing on our face – don’t know exactly what it was, but something was soothing my fast heartbeats, and I started seeing my friend from a different perspective. There was a twinkle in her eyes, and it brightened with each word she spoke, as if she was living each word of hers.

She continued after a pause.

“My baby invokes feelings in me I never knew I was capable of having. I love her with all my soul. But in the last few months, I have realized that I can’t let go of my own self in an effort to be the best version of a mother. If I want to shower her with unconditional love, I first need to learn to love myself. It’s almost like I have found myself again in motherhood. And it’s such a heady feeling, that I have decided to make an effort and bring a few changes in my life:

1. I won’t hesitate to reach out for help. We may hire an attendant if need be, and catch up on our much needed sleep.
2. Breast milk or no breast milk, I won’t freak out. I would much rather focus on her having a full stomach.
3. Every day, I will sneak out an hour for myself. It is going to be tough initially, but am hopeful. “

“And, how will you utilize this one hour?” I interrupted.

“Oh! Didn’t put a thought to it really! Well…….I might just sit and stare at the sky, counting the stars… or scribble in my diary…..or catch up with my friends…” she mused.

“So, what else do you want to do?” I laughed.

She started,

“Point no. 4. I will try to stick to a schedule. But I will not loose my cool if the baby doesn’t respond. After all, she is not a machine!

Umm… point no. 5. The day any of our parents come, Nikhil and I will go out on a nice date. Be it for an hour, but I will make sure we sneak out some time for ourselves!

6. Since reading is somewhat challenging now, I will get myself a few audio books. It wouldn’t be the same as holding a book, but might provide some respite.

I will take a control of the situation before it makes me lose my rationality completely. Will stop playing the role of a perfect wife always. I mean, why I always need to aim for perfection?”

She might have continued for hours and I would have enjoyed listening to her if not for the baby who started crying suddenly.

My completely aware friend jumped up and sprang out of the bed. As she was about to leave the room, she peeped at me and whispered, in all her naiveté, “Those plans of mine, even if I fail to execute, let others know. Someone might do justice to them.”

                                 *******************************

It’s 2 days now since I have come back from Shreya’s house. Those few hours with her that night exposed me to some bare truths of motherhood so seldom spoken about! I was fortunate to have a face-off with the other side of this beautiful journey’s initial days.

The biggest hurdle in the new parents’ life, especially the mother, is denial; both external & internal. A mother constantly fights with herself: her thoughts, her mind, her lifestyle, hormones and last but not the least her sleep! The society mocks her and shuns her troublesome feelings, branding them as ‘unmotherly’.  In the end, the mother is left with no one, but the husband, to share her inner turmoil (and sadly, not all strike luck here). That husband, who himself is going through a lifestyle shift, then tries his level best to balance it all out!

Parenthood is such that, two adults try to walk a thin rope, holding the most precious life close to their heart. They strive day in and out to give the best to the new member in their life. In fact, everyone around wants to give the paramount to the child. Thus, the unsolicited advice and constant clash of beliefs. It does tend to overwhelm the new parents. And at times it imperative that they put strainers on their ears to filter out all the unnecessary information.

The glaring postpartum depression tops it all. It is nothing new! It cannot be new as it is a biological effect after childbirth.  An intense drop in the hormones (estrogen and progesterone) in our body might contribute to postpartum challenges. The intensity of depression might vary and accordingly be treated without delay.

But, above all, during this time, what a mother really needs is love. Lots of it. And a patient and understanding ear.

Let’s park our judgement of her for some other time

She pampers the baby with all her abilities. Why can’t we pamper her a bit?

To know more about postpartum and how to fight with it, read Postpartum depression – An Unacknowledged Destructor

The post My Friend Became A Mother (Part 2) – Postpartum Challenges appeared first on KolkataFusion.

Brainyquote – Frank A Clark

Among the other challenges of parenthood, one major one is Parenting style.

The tussle between the new parenting style and the orthodox parenting style is an inevitable concern of the new generation parents. Both the grandparents and parents want the best for the baby of the house, but the approach often varies for every minuscule decision.

Please note: These are some general comments based on personal experience. We never intent to mean it holds true for all parents and grandparents! Feel free to share your experiences.

The New Age Mom, “The baby needs to be disciplined”

The Old Age Grandma, “Discipline is for the mom, not the baby”

The New Age Mom, “The baby needs a lot of sleep”

The Old Age Grandma, “It is you, the mom, who wants to sleep! She will sleep when she is sleepy”

The New Age Mom, “Do not force feed the baby”

The Old Age Grandma, “Feed the baby until she pukes. A prominent & protruding belly is the only symbol of a satisfied stomach”

The New Age Mom, “I will go out on our first trip as soon as the baby starts eating beyond milk”

The Old Age Grandma, “Forget about any holidays till the baby turns into a cute toddler”

The New Age Mom, “Let the kiddo know what’s ‘H’ of hunger at least”

The Old Age Grandma, “You should keep feeding the baby between meals”

The New Age Mom, “It’s ok to cry even if you are a boy”

The Old Age Grandma, “Boys do not cry!” 

This perpetual wrangle between two moms; one trusting her instincts and her extensive research while the other relying on her experience and age-old techniques; is futile.

So, ladies! Take a deep breath! There is no correct parenting style. There is no absolute perfect mother (or father). Each one of us is sailing on a different boat and the sailor of that boat is the most naive life on the earth, the baby.

Why fight over or be sad about something when there is no fixed route? For a change let us go out on a journey with no itinerary in place; for a change let’s live this moment without thinking about the next; for a moment let’s be a baby with the baby. When our agenda is same why follow different paths and why hold any complaints and most importantly why take any stress?

The post Parenting style – The New Parents And The Grands appeared first on KolkataFusion.

Incident 2: Meenal (name changed) is a mother of a three-month-old girl. Off late, she is having an urge to kill her baby every time she is failing to effectively prepare her for sleep.

In both of the above incidents, the new mothers were having urges to kill themselves or their babies. These streaks of harming are one of the signs of the postpartum depression, a psychological disease which is not a rare occurrence in the women who have become new mothers.

To go by the term, ‘Post-partum’, is the stage after the delivery of the baby, more commonly the stage till the baby turns one year old. Many new mothers expressed that after the delivery of their babies they started to feel a sense of void, the void one feels after losing someone close.

Through the entire pregnancy, an expecting mother nurtures the foetus within her which slowly grows into a tiny human being. The supporting hormones instil a sense of fulfilment in her for 40 weeks or so, which sadly lessens once the baby gets delivered and the hormonal imbalance sets in resulting in a feeling of a void.

All of a sudden, the new mother lands in a soup not knowing the exact reason behind her baby’s crying, for, the baby can cry for several reasons, – hunger, stomach pain, wants to sleep, feels insecure, and so on and so forth. This lack of knowledge, which is quite obvious in new motherhood, makes the mother depressed, makes her feel that she is a failure as a mother. Sleep deprivation due to constant feeding needs and exhaustion due to the fulfilment of various duties of the new baby take toll on her physical as well as mental health.  

Warning Signs to look out for:

• Feeling down for most part of the day for several weeks or more
• Feeling withdrawn from family, friends and relatives
• A loss of interest in different activities including sex
• Feeling extremely tired
• Feeling angry or irritated
• Anxiety and panic attacks, racing thoughts

Causes:

• Hormonal changes that follow childbirth
• Emotional stressors, including financial strain, job changes, illness, or the death of a loved one
• Changes in social relationships, or lack of a strong support network
• Judgement and comparison by family, friends and relatives with other new mothers without knowing the fact that each child is different and each mother has to face different challenges.
• Condescending attitude of society when a new mother is unable to breast feed or suffers from breast milk insufficiency due to PCOD, Hypothyroidism or any other hormonal problems.

How to combat Postpartum Depression:

• Have a healthy diet for junk foods might seem temporarily satisfying but of not much help to replenish the lost nutrients from your post delivery body conditions.
• Walk, walk and walk.
• Make this note in your mind: “You cannot have it all at the same time. Whatever you have at present, cherish it.”
• Talk about your feelings to your close friend, your spouse, any close family member or to a new mom support group. You can maintain a diary of your own to vent up the feelings in case there’s none you can share to.
• If you feel that you are not able to handle everything at the same time, hire a child caregiver to help you. There’s no harm in taking help and get some rest while supervising the caregiver’s work.
• Read motivational quotes and books regularly.
• Exercise regularly for about half an hour each day.

Most often, we don’t recognize the symptoms of this deadly depression and pass it off as tiredness. Let’s grow our listening ability when a new mother is sharing words of angst. Most often, some of us, glorify motherhood by saying, “You are a mother now. It is a great responsibility,” or “A mother knows everything”, or “Being a mother means you have attained fulfilment” etc. etc. What we don’t realise is by saying these things we are also getting judgemental rather than supportive. Let’s stop judging a new mother and become empathetic instead. Words of empathy, solidarity and support go a long way to cure postpartum depression.

The post Postpartum Depression – An Unacknowledged Destructor appeared first on KolkataFusion.